I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
