He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
