that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My bed smells like the plague
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
