is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
