I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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