Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
