I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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