the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
