I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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