i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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