i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
