I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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