it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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