Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
