God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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