a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
