apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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