I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
