cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
