My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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