Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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