what if every blade of grass was a penis?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize