Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
