I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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