I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
