When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
