Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
