if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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