Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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