Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
