I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
