I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
