Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
