the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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