my vag is so smooth its legendary
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
