i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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