Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
