i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
