I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
