I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I skipped work to stalk him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
