I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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