sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
