I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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