I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
