i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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