if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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