He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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