im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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