Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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