she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize