I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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