she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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