did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
