Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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