Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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