I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
