make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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