I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
