the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
