i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
