I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
