Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
