Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
