anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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