but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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