totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
