i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
