I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
sarcasm needs its own font
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
