If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
