I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
