i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
